savingmom

Hello everyone,

I am a caregiver for my mother who was recently passed away few months ago.  She died of the heart attack which is a big shocker to me.  I never thought that she will die of a heart attack.

My mother was suffered with Parkinson disease for 10 years plus she was diagnostic with dementia.  It was a very difficult decision to put her in a nursing home because she needs 24 hours care and she had many incidents of falling at home so staying home alone was no longer safe for her.

I was taking care my mother and supporting her emotionally and financially since my father passed away in 1996.  The option for me to quit my job and take care her in my home made it very impossible.  It was a very difficult time for her as well as for me to put her in there.   I managed to visit her almost everyday, giving her a bath on the day that she did not get one, dressing, changing and taking her for a walk when her physical condition was allowed.

When she died, I was so angry that I blamed the nursing home and everyone that supposed to be taking care of her while she was there.  I felt so guilty that at one point in time I was having this crazy thought in my head.   My husband always there for me and told me that I did the best I could to take care my mother and that was her time to go.   I still did not accept that fact and still questioning why she has to die so soon.  It hurts to loss someone who I loved so much.  I cannot eat or sleep for a while and I thought that my life will be over soon since I have no purpose to live without my mother here with me.

I was grieving and still in grief.  I see my mother in my dreams and she tried to send me a message that she is well and in a better place now.  I know that it is so difficult to cope with grief and guilt but I knew that my mother was never be more happier to see me visiting her often in a nursing home.  We had a great laugh together, telling each other about our past memories and having our favorite Thai foods that I brought in occasionally.   I enjoyed spent quality time with my mother and I missed her so much.  It will take time for me to move on with my life and I think it is ok to take time to grief.  I was telling my mother everyday when I visited her that I love her very much and even she is gone, I still tell her that I love her…

“Listen to a heart that is crying…   because you can’t see the tears…”
www.becaregiver.com

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